Raising Consent-Concious Humans
Consent and violence against women.
A pandemic demands a strong pandemic response. If we have learned anything from COVID-19 it would be that it takes a response from the whole community; across sectors, within sectors, at a whole of government level, and at the grassroots individual level.
25 women in 4 months killed in Australia as a result of violence against women is a pandamic. Don’t tell me otherwise.
While I could have a righteous rant about patriarchy, misogyny, low value men, power differentials and the root of violence against women, it doesn’t offer me an immediate action that I can take to make a difference in my immediate community.. My rant may soothe my own pressure valve, or add a small amount of value by educating a handful of people who had not thought deeply on these issues before.
But is that the best value-add I can bring to the table? Where is my energy best placed?
In my work as a speech pathologist, I offer direct therapy to children, parent coaching to families, and supervision to other professionals. I encourage parents and therapists to help children develop a sense of autonomy. I teach children to communicate “yes” and “no” through words, actions and body language while we play and learn. I tune parents into those communication bids so they can respond respectfully, without overriding. I believe in this professional space I have a voice that can support a shift in the way society understands consent and is a useful response I can make towards this pandemic of violence against women.
How do we become consent-conscious humans? How do we model consent within our spheres of influcence? What can I do in therapy, coaching and in my own family? So glad you’re curious to know more!
Step 1: Understand the concept.
Consent is at the heart of all relationships. Consent is all about communication, choices, boundaries, listening, understanding and checking in with each other. These are the essential elements for a safe and respectful relationship. Would you want any other kind of relationship?
The opposite of consent is when someone says no or doesn't agree. It's when permission or approval isn't given. Being a respectful recipient of a ‘no’ obviously needs modelling and practise too.
Step 2: Embed an autonomous consent framework into your life and work.
You can only model what is inherent to your belief and values system. Assess your position. Can you do better, now you know better? Read about consent, reflect on autonomy, strive for mutual understanding and respect, being mindful of power dynamics that may impact consent. Show up for the world and make a shift. Yeah you! You are part of the response and solution..
Step 3: Shift the language you use with children
Let’s consider some of the things we might say as a parent or an adult caregiver:
Be a good girl/boy.
Stop being so shy. Say hello! Give him a hug.
Stop crying. You’re fine. You’re being too emotional.
Oh come on. It’s not that bad!
You can’t possibly be hungry! You just had lunch.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset.
There are oodles more I could quote, but I think you get the idea. When adults respond in these ways, children are set up to internalise shame, invalidate their own inner experiences, and centre someone else’s feelings over and above their own. The message the child internalises is “What I see, think or feel inside ISN’T what is good, right or acceptable”. There is no autonomy in that. Here begins the gradual erosion of autonomous consent.
Recognise children as capable decision makers from birth, particularly regarding their own bodies.
Step 4: Practical application of your consent-conscious framework.
Give it a test drive. Put it into practise. You’ll be surprised how simple it is.
Here are some examples you can implement immediately within your family unit, with your class, in therapy. You’ll be creating consent-conscious humans. You become change-makers. Together we shift the paradigm. Together we have impact.
Practical examples:
Ask before entering - Knock on the bedroom door before entering
Ask before helping yourself - May I have someof your chips?
Respecting Their Choices - If a child says "no" to something, whether it's a physical activity, sharing a toy, or participating in an event, respect their decision without pressuring or coercing them.
Teach awareness of verbal and non-verbal cues - For example, during rough-house play help your child notice verbal and non-verbal cues. This includes noticing their own internal body signals. Children can need support to check in when they get excited. Are they still feeling ok about this game? Do they need to honour requests to stop. Teach them to check in on each other- are we both still enjoying this?
Ask before helping - remember to presume competence. Give your child time and space to work it out let them know you are nearby if needed. “Let me know if you need help.”
Ask before posting - seek permission before publicly posting photos of your children on social media.
Ask before touching: Always ask for permission before hugging, cuddling, or touching a child, even if it's to help them with something like getting off a swing.Before you swoop in to wipe that snotty nose!. “I can see you might need help with cleaning your nose. Can I help you by wiping your nose with this tissue?
Model setting your own healthy boundaries- If you need privacy to use the bathroom, let your child know the door will be shut and they can wait outside.
Avoid assuming consent - a long term relationship does not imply consent given previously is still accepted today. Ask everytime. Consent is also not implied simply because this is your child. For example, “Can you do that? Can you share that? Can you help with that?”
Respect your child’s choices in play. If they like lining up their toys in that way, honour that. “I love how you put all those colours together!” Asking your child if you may join in their play, take a turn, add to their construction
Respect your child’s choices with touch. If they don’t want to hug Aunty Jane, honour that. Support your child to voice their boundaries “Aunty Jane, Rashid doesn’t like hugs but he can do high-fives and waves. Give it a go!”
Give your child choices. “Do you want to wear the blue top or the red one? Do you want to wear your beanie or your cap today?”
Honour “No” - Set a great example of how to handle a rejection. “No” doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t like you. Respectfully validate their response. “Oh ok. Maybe we can hug later. Thanks for letting me know.” Don’t coerce, whine or try to override.
Explaining Consent: Use age-appropriate language to explain the concept of consent to children, asking for permission and respecting others. If you need some ideas try
Consent in Play: Incorporate consent into games and role-playing scenarios, where children can practice asking for and giving consent
Use Children’s books to introduce conversations about safety and consent - some wonderful titles here. https://www.littlebookroom.com.au/consent/
Consent is crucial because it respects individual autonomy and promotes safety, trust, and mutual respect in all interactions. It ensures that each person has the power to make informed choices about their own body, boundaries, and experiences